Exhaustion at a whole new level

I finished the medication part of cycle 2 three days ago.  This time around the heartburn and the exhaustion hit a lot sooner than the first cycle.  I had mono in university and if you've ever had mono than you know how you felt like you were dragging an extra few hundred pounds around with you.  This is mono X 100.  It literally feels like I've just ran a marathon after walking from the couch to the bathroom.  I climb 2 stairs, I am so winded I have to sit down and my legs are jello.

Needless to say, I've spent a lot of the 28 days sleeping, in increasing amounts, as the days passed.  Some days I can manage to run some errands, or visit but if I overdid it for a few days it took me almost a week to recuperate.

The acid reflux started about 2 weeks in, the same as last time.  It got progressively worse and I couldn't walk, lay down, or bend over without feeling like I had a fire in my throat.  I will have to get something stronger than Zantac if I am able to continue on this drug.  I even avoided eating acidic fruits and didn't drink juice at all, but to no avail.

I did manage to plan and organize a baby shower for my sister a few weeks ago for her soon to be baby boy (#2).  It was nice to spend time with people you can count on but at the same time this leads me into the brutally honest truth about my life, now, as a "cancer patient", let alone person.  This has led me to this point of exhaustion, internally, and I'm not keeping it inside anymore.

I was 24 and a half when I was diagnosed.  I will be 28, 2 week today.  It has almost been 4 years since I woke up with sciatica.  I never thought in a million years this would be the route my life would take.  I used to be outgoing, funny, the biggest smart-ass, brutally honest, hardworking, and as good of a friend to others as they were to me.  What has changed?  I can tell you one thing- aside from being more sensitive and educated, NOT ME.  My so-called "friends" have changed.  I get that over 3.5 years things change.  Unfortunately for me, things haven't gone as I had once hoped.  And quite frankly, you can try to plan your life to be however you want but at some point in time, some drastic, "unplanned" event will alter it.  It's called LIFE.

I have watched people become so selfish and self-absorbed it has made me not want to associate with them.  When I am honest and say I'm not feeling well, I don't want to hear about what dress you're buying, or who you ran into at the bar.  What I want is to have a sincere, honest conversation.  Just because I have to endure this BULLSHIT called cancer does not change the fact that I am a young woman, missing out on the prime time of my life.  I'm doing this clinical trial as a last resort to any kind of normalcy of a life again.  I don't do it for fun.  It is the furthest thing from fun.  Instead of people keeping in touch, coming to watch a movie, or coming to events I plan well in advance- i.e. my sister's baby shower, and now my own birthday party, I am simply ignored.  I just cancelled my own birthday weekend at my cottage as a handful of people could do me the courtesy of RSVPing.  At this time last year I didn't think I'd see 28 and now that I will, it's as if people had written me off and weren't expecting me to.

I have no idea what goes through peoples' heads.  As if being stuck by myself (besides my family and dogs), isn't enough, I can go for WEEKS without hearing from people.  I usually tell people to let me know when works for them, as I am usually home, bored, trying to entertain myself (which is not easy FYI after all of this time).  And, you guessed it, I never hear from them. I understand people get so wrapped up in their routines and significant others.  I hate to break it to you, but what if something were to happen?  Who do you have to rely on then? NO ONE.

I have decided to list 10 ways cancer has changed me in honor of my 28 years:

1) I could care less about self-image.  I used to work out 6 days a week.  I played soccer year-round and went to the Canada Games at 16 for speed skating.  I now have lost all of my muscle and my clothes don't fit and so be it.  My skin is also orange and my hair is white.  It doesn't change ME.
2) I have learned to be OK with silence- It gives me time to reflect and think.
3) I have become more spiritual and in-tune with myself.  I know that my plan isn't necessarily God's plan and I have been trying to accept that.
4) I know how important it is to listen to your body.  I knew there was something wrong for months when doctor's kept telling me it was in my head and I just wanted attention.
5) I've realized that a lot of people are focusing on the wrong things in life.  People get so wrapped up in working, making money, buying the latest trends.  Is that what is really important?
6) It's not about money.  You can't take it with you.  Find out what makes you, you. Try new things, travel.
7) I've realized that life is about making sound connections with people.  You will just click with certain people.  Regardless, be kind and friendly.  Everyone is always so stressed out and cruel to one another these days.
8) I thought I were invincible- doing everything "right"- just like the majority of                               people. Educate yourself on what you eat, exercise.  Everything in moderation but take care of your body.  You can't get another.  Trust me, if I could live like a hermit crab, I would.
9) Self-growth is so important. Ignorance is not bliss.  Read.  You will be surprised how much you can learn, and it is such a good escape for your mind without having to buy a plane ticket.
10) Learning what truly matters to you, and who, is shocking.  It isn't easy to learn what people are made of.  But it is also a relief to get rid of the negative energy.  Positive attracts positive.